Which Witch is What Now?
by The Pixess
Summary: The students of Shiz University take one of those What Character Are You? quizzes. Chaos ensues.


**Disclaimer: Even if I dug right down to the bottom of my soul, I'd still own NOTHING (including A Chorus Line) Also, no jaws were injured in the making of this fic. They just dropped a lot. **

A distinctively feminine shriek from inside the biggest dormitory at Crage Hall sent both Boq and Fiyero bolting inside.

They really should have known better by now.

Elphaba rolled her eyes as they literally fell over themselves, trying to console a visibly distraught Galinda, who was gazing at her computer screen in horror.

"What is it, Miss Galinda?" Boq panted from the floor, trying to detangle himself from Yero's legs.

"Oh, oh, oh!" she hiccupped pitifully. "I'm just so disappointed!"

"Um," Fiyero grunted, grabbing onto the desk pulled himself to his feet, "Why?"

"Well you see," Galinda said tearfully, "I was taking this quiz online on what Broadway character I am-" she pointed toward the laptop "-and I keep coming up as Glinda from _Wicked_, no matter how many times I take it! I wanted something more original than _that_!"

The boys exchanged baffled glances. "Well, um, Miss Galinda," Boq started hesitantly, trying to think of a delicate way to break it to her, "You see…I don't think it matters how much…uh, maybe there was a mist-?"

"Good grief!" snapped Elphaba, slamming her book closed. "Of _course_ you're going to be Glinda, you _are_ Glinda- just with an A! What else you expect???"

Galinda glared at her. "I expect to get what I want," she replied tartly, "and what does spelling matter? I bet _you_ wouldn't come up as yourself if YOU took it!"

"I would too," Elphaba said impatiently.

Galinda sniffed with distain. "You're right, of course," she said haughtily. "I mean really, who's a bigger freak than YOU?"

"Shut up," growled Elphaba. "This is musical theatre we're talking about- home of criminals, cannibals, every sexual orientation known to mankind, magic, masters' of ceremonies- there's no way I'm the BIGGEST freak. I _could_ be someone else if I really wanted to."

"Oh yeah?" Galinda raised an eyebrow skeptically. She pointed towards the desk. "Then prove it! Take the test!"

Elphaba snorted. "You've got to be kidding."

"Chicken?"

They eyed each other icily for a long moment, each refusing to back down.

"Hey, guys!" Nessarose greeted them, wheeling herself inside the open doorway. "Er- what's going on?"

"Oh, they're just doing that I-loathe-you-staring contest thing again," Fiyero explained offhandedly. "Counter question- what's up with the pastry?"

Nessarose held up the pie in her lap. "Oh, this?" she asked. "The Shiz bake sale is today- didn't you know?"

"I prefer to remain completely out of touch with school activities in my quest for utter brainlessness," Yero informed her.

"Er, okay," Nessa said uncertainly, wondering once again why every female on campus was in love with this guy.

Somehow this apparently broke the spell over the warring roommates and a disgruntled Elphaba cried, "Fine!" thereby accepting Galinda's challenge. She tried to shove past the blonde, but she held her back.

"Nuh-uh-uh!" she scolded. "_I'll_ read you the questions- no cheating that way."

"_Whatever_," Elphaba replied disgustedly.

Galinda took her sweet time, tossing her hair and fluffing her skirt until she was completely comfortable in the chair before starting. "Question One," she read, "What is your favorite flower?"

"This is ludicrous," the green girl muttered.

"Right- a rose," the blonde agreed, and clicked the mouse. "Question Two: do you think that you have a particularly quick-flaring temper?"

"No," Elphie grunted. The other four raised eyebrows.

"O-kaay," Galinda said, taking the highroad. "Question Three: Do _others_ think that you have a particularly quick-flaring temper?"

"Yes," Nessarose and Boq said in unison. They studied each other: Nessa feeling shy pleasure, Boq faintly sick.

Galinda selected her answer accordingly. "Do you believe you have any sort of-" she smiled triumphantly "grotesque physical feature?"

Elphaba barely repressed a snarl. "Just pick 'yes' and get on with it!"

Still smirking, Galinda questioned, "Which lyrics best apply to you: a) 'No other road, no other way/no day but today, b)-" Galinda's jaw dropped, "-'The lives of the wicked should be made brief/ for the rest of us death will be a relief-"

"Um, not that suicidal, next," Elphaba said, trying to mask her uneasiness.

"-C) 'He called me a whore!/he actually called me a whore!' Oooh, Elphie, Eva, I think I see a connection here-"

"NEXT!"

"_Fine_," Galinda said, wrinkling her nose, "D) 'Why you ask was I bound and chained in this cold and dismal place?/Not for any mortal sin but the wickedness of my-' erm, can't pronounce that word' '-face!"

"Uh- that last one sounds…appropriate," Elphaba said reluctantly.

"Okay!" Galinda cried cheerily, pressing the submit button. "And you are…" her mouth fell open, "Erik, aka THE PHANTOM FROM PHANTOM OF THE OPERA?!?!?!?!"

"Score one for the wicked!" Elphaba crowed triumphantly.

Galinda said something decidedly unladylike, curling her bottom lip into a pout.

"Maybe it was a fluke," Boq prompted graciously.

The girl brightened. "Yes! Elphie, maybe if you-"

"_No_," she declined firmly. The girls bore their gazes into each other again (while everyone else sighed exasperatedly and settled in for a long wait) until a sudden eruption of noise jolted them out of it.

"What is that?" wondered Nessarose.

"It sounds like it's coming from the Front Hall," Galinda added.

Elphaba went to unlatch the window and stuck out her head, peering about. Not a second later she whirled around in fury.

"Dammit, Glinda, look what you and your stupid quiz did! Now the Phan Girls are declaring war on the Idina Freaks for my hand in marriage! If Morrible sees them messing up the grounds again I'll be expelled!"

The blonde was notably apathetic to her roomie's plight. "It's _Ga_linda, if you please," she replied coolly. "And really, you run on as if the problem were substantial. You should feel incredibly lucky you even _have_ stalker-chicks fawning over you- they're certainly aren't any enrolled _here_."

That cattiness commented, she joined the green girl at the window and hollered, "YO! MENZEL MANIACS! GO BUG MAUREEN! WE'RE BUSY AND YOU'RE A FIRE HAZARD!"

Grumbling audibly, the disappointed fan girls shuffled away. Elphie was equally annoyed, mentioning that "They're just going to get kicked out of the loft by Roger's Mimi-Sues again. Those little harlots are always ruffling them up."

"As if I care," Galinda spat, flouncing back to her chair and sulking.

Against his will, Fiyero's "Prince Charming" training overwhelmed him at the sight of Lady Galinda's glum face, prompting him to offer, "Perhaps I should take it…you know, to even the score?"

"Brilliant!" the perky blonde squealed in excitement. She pushed the chair back and stood to let Yero at the computer. Elphie, however, apparently had other plans, as she shoved her roommate aside and dug her nails into the arms of the chair.

"Really, Miss Elphaba!" Galinda cried, scandalized.

"Oh, shove it up your petticoat," she snorted dismissively. "If you won't let me have fixed results, he's not getting them either. Now then," Elphaba flexed her skeletal green fingers importantly and turned toward the prince "What is _your_ favorite flower?"

Fiyero raised an eyebrow at her. "Um, I'm a _male, _Miss Elphaba," he said, as though she were the brainless one. "It's my job to find the flowers most appealing to my dates, not what suits my own tastes."

The Mistresses of Green and Pink felt their hearts flutter with that sentiment while Nessa merely rolled her eyes. Her sister quickly covered her reddening (er- dark greening?) face with her hand and typed his answer in.

"Okay," she said bashfully, "So, um, do you-" Elphie bit her lip, but it was clear she was trying not to let out an uncharacteristic giggle. "consider yourself to be extremely attractive?"

Fiyero turned his best smile on her. "I'll let you be the judge of that," he said warmly. She blushed again, causing Galinda's (green) eyes to flash angrily and Nessa to repress a gag.

"U-um alright," she pressed the appropriate button a little faster than necessary. "Do members of the opposite- or same, depending on your orientation- gender agree that you are, in fact, extremely attractive?"

He smirked, and approached the window. "Why don't we ask _them_?" he said shrewdly, and threw open the shutters. "Oh l_aaaaaaaadies,_" he sang.

"WE LOVE YOU YERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(**A/N: At this point, Nessarose felt the need to poke the author incessantly in the back until she finally relented that **_**yes**_**, the moral of this particular fic **_**is**_** that no one is faster than the Girls of Musical Fan/Phan fiction when it comes to stalking/ "shamelessly drooling over" our idols in fictional scenarios. Go us!**

**The author also wishes to point out that she resisted the urge to tip Nessa over like the cow she is and thanks you for your support in this matter**.)

"I think that'll give you an answer," Fiyero said smugly, closing the draperies once again (their was a very loud groan at this from outside).

"_Riight_," Elphaba grumbled, now back to her regular, sardonic self. "If you got engaged, would you be shocked if the other person broke it off?"

He eyed Galinda warily. "Very," he muttered.

"Okay, it's loading your results," Elphaba squinted at the screen. "And you are…" she blinked. " 'Gaston, from _Beauty and the Beast_'?"

Nessarose cackled in a fair imitation of her sister in a few years, Galinda bounced up and down in anger, and Boq wasn't quite sure what to do.

"Well…" he said slowly. "His answers fit, anyway."

Yero glared at him. "At least I had a _chance_ to be me," he said angrily.

Boq was puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"_Try_ to take the test, just _try_," the young prince dared him.

"O-k_aaay_…" he said, missing the point. Before he had even relieved Elphie of the computer chair, the screen refreshed of its own accord and chirped, "Raoul, _Phantom of the Opera_."

"Told you."

"Oh, come on!" Boq snapped. "I didn't even touch the mouse yet!"

The computer continued to chant, "_Raoul, Raoul, Raoul…"_

"This is such a jip!" cried the future Tinman.

"But appropriate, considering the laptop is going all _Christine_ on us,_" _Elphaba added, eyeing the machine uncertainly.

As usual, the group ignored common sense and Boq continued to insist that, "This is completely unfair! How do we know it's not some weird virus?"

"Boq, if you don't shut up I'm going to strangle you," Fiyero said calmly.

"How dare you threaten me! Just because you're all _royal_ doesn't mean you can treat me like the dirt beneath your f-"

"Oh _calm down_," Fiyero waved him away. "It won't hurt you as long as you put your arm up to your face."

"WHAT? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. What is that going to do? NOTHING. I'm getting Morrible, this is ridicu-"

"SEE!" cried Yero. "You _refused_ to lift up your hand to the level of your eyes, even when someone _explicitly told you that it would save your sorry hide_! That PROVES you're Raoul!"

"No it-"

But the prince had lost his patience, and before Boq could even finish his sentence he thrust the scrawny little munchkin through the window, dangling him above the crowd.

"Look, up in the sky!"

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"They don't have planes in Oz, Dodo!"

"IT'S THE FOP!!!!" the Phan Girls- who, yes, were still waiting Erikphie to show herself again (don't worry, mademoiselles, the Idinas would totally do the same if she decided to take up the mask one night)- screeched in unison.

"Admit it," urged Yero.

"FINE!" Boq exploded, "I'M THE FREAKING FOP OF FRANCE! THERE! I SAID IT!!!! ARE YOU _SATISFIED_???"

"Yes," He pulled him back inside. "And I'm sorry I had to stoop to that."

"Whatever," Boq muttered darkly, huddling in the far corner of the room and beginning to rock. Then, remembering his own personal fan girl, scuttled up the step ladder to the top bunk bed, where she couldn't reach.

Nessa was understandably upset with this little snub, but she was more worried about coming up as that bipolar chorus girl Christine, since their "beaus" were the same.

"May I take the test, Miss Galinda?" she asked politely.

"Go ahead," she replied carelessly, pushing the desk chair out of her way.

"'Question number one,'" read Nessarose, "What is your favorite flower?"

"Shock," Fiyeraba muttered in unison.

"Daisies," Nessarose answered, ignoring them. "'Do you-" her eyes bugged out of her head, "die by the end of your show???"

Elphie peered over her shoulder. "As in pushing them up, maybe?" she suggested.

"Oh," Nessarose said, visibly relaxing. "Well…that's not _too_ freaky then." She clicked "yes" and read on.

"'Do you enjoy baking?'"

"That's a little freaky," Yero admitted, taking the pie from the disabled girl's lap as she selected "yes".

"Which quote best applies to you: 'Enough with all your celebrated loves/you have two hands, you could have modeled gloves-'"

"Um, not if we're talking book-verse," commented Galinda snidely.

"Ew! Please don't bring up Nun-arose, she is so _freaky_," Boq whined.

"I don't have to be book-verse to have the Tin Woodman's arm hacked off," snapped Nessarose pointedly.

"If I remember correctly, I stopped the Evangelical Eminence of the East before anybody lost any limbs," Elphaba corrected her.

Nessa turned away from them, furious, and picked a quote without reading the rest to the group. On the next question, however, she couldn't be louder.

"Favorite vacation spot: Gee, I dunno, how about 'nice cottage by the seashore' that way I don't have to deal with CERTAIN aqua-phobic annoyance."

"It's times like that I'm glad I'm an only child," Fiyero said casually as he nibbled at the pie's crust.

"Let that alone!" Nessarose cried.

"Oh, get over yourself," said Elphaba disgustedly.

"Or what?" her sister demanded.

The green girl rolled her eyes. "Or I'll get a lasso or something."

Nessarose cracked a small smile and went back to the test. Her jaw hit the ground.

"What?" Elphie asked, coming over to the monitor. She let out a swear word as her eyes ran over the text.

"Well?" Galinda prompted, somehow intrigued by the stream of profanities.

Elphaba gritted her teeth. "It appears you are going to get your wish, Miss Galinda."

She squealed excitedly. "Really?? You think so??"

Elphie glowered at her. "Let's see: there's only one question left, and it says, and I quote, 'Is your main romantic competition a dumb blonde who your certain _isn't_ worthy of you're admirer's affection, but she'll always be first in his heart, no matter how much he compliments you in order to get what he wants-and, as a bonus, does your first name begin with an 'N'?'"

Galinda blinked. "What blonde is that, Nessa?" she asked in genuine confusion.

Both Thropp sisters sighed and ignored her.

"Okay, so it is now definite and official that I am, in every universe-" Nessa's jaw dropped as she hit submit "-_**NELLIE LOVETT**__, FROM SWEENEY TODD_????????????"

Several things happened simultaneously at that point: Galinda burst into thwarted tears; Boq stared, horrified, in between the two females in his love triangle; Nessarose gaped at the screen and mouthed words without any noise coming out; Elphaba literally fell over laughing, clutching her sides and rolling around until tears of mirth burned her eyes and forced her to stop.

But the best reaction had to be that of the prince. Fiyero stared, dumbstruck, at the crippled girl, then slowly lowered his gaze to the half devoured pie in his hands. Since he was brainless, it took a minute for all the little gears to click together. Then, without warning, he bolted to the window, sticking his head out of it and making a horrible gagging sound.

The crowd below became deafening; the Yero Stalkers screeched in dismay and the Phan Girls created an angry buzz, of which words like "chandelier" and "rose thorns" and, most frequent of all, "Punjab" could be heard. Other students stuck _their_ heads out of dorm windows, trying to see what all the fuss was about.

"MISS ELPHABA THROPP!!!"

The green girl stopped her chortling abruptly as the head of the college barged into the room, her carp-like face red with fury.

"_What_ have I told you about those atrocious fanatics of yours?" Morrible ranted. "They're mere presence is a distraction to the residence and they are constantly making a mess of the grounds! And now they've begun a _riot???_ I'm sorry, Miss Elphaba, but as dean of this school I simply cannot allow this menace to further continue! Unless you get them out of here in less than ten minutes I will have no choice but to expel you."

"I-but- those aren't even-!" she protested.

Galinda wiped her eyes. "Well, I suppose there is a silver lining to everything, then," she said forlornly.

"You little-!" Elphie flew at her, barely suppressing the urge to rip out her yellow locks. "You terrible, stuck-up, self serving, overly dramatic, prim-"

Elphaba stopped short, an idea coming to her suddenly. "You want a character, Galinda?" she asked sweetly.

"What do you think this whole things been about???" she demanded.

Elphie pointed to the window. "I'll give you one _and _give you full permission to go yell to the world about every little trait about me that makes your flesh crawl without repercussion- on one condition."

"That being?"

"Yell it in a French accent."

The opportunity was impossible to pass-up, especially under a meager condition such as that. Galinda bounced, undaunted, to the window and howled, "ZAT LIT-ELLE ARTYCHOKE, ELFABA TROP, IS ZE RUDEST, MOST SOCIALLY IN-EPTED LIT-ELLE TART I 'AVE EVER-"

"Dude, isn't that Glinda?" one Phan Girl- a newbie- asked of a Wicked fan nearby.

"Of course not!" the girl- also new to her fandom- replied scornfully. "_Ga_linda doesn't sound anything like that."

"Would you two shut up???" a teenager dressed in a black cape hissed at them.

"Why should we???" the snippy little Fiyero fantasizer demanded.

"Because that's not Galinda, it's-"

"_CARLOTTA!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"_ screamed a Gerald Butler stalker from the back of the crowd- who had clearly forgotten that the cardinal rule involving Senora is _play dead_. As in, no sudden movements.

Unfortunately, this statement caused all the Phans to lose their heads, most dragging the confused Ozheads behind them as they tore out off the campus.

"Happy now?" Elphaba asked once her roommate had stepped off her soap box.

"I got my character!" she squealed. "And caused a mob scene! I'm ecstatic!"

Elphaba actually smiled. "Me too." She turned to Madame Morrible. "Nine minutes and fifty five seconds," she declared proudly, holding up her watch.

The headmistress let out a disappointed "Hurumph" and stalked out.

"Well, I guess all's well that ends well," Nessarose remarked.

Morrible stuck her head in once more. "Just one more thing- Miss Thropp the Younger?"

"Yes, Miss?" the crippled girl prompted.

"The fundraising committee beginning to set up shop in front of Fleet Hall- you are submitting a contribution, correct?"

Fiyero turned almost the same shade as Elphie. Nessa looked down at her ruined pie, now splattered across the floor, then at the computer again and said lightly, "You know, I think I'll just give next year a try, if it's all the same to you."

**A/N: For anyone who is unfamiliar with Sweeney Todd, and thereby is confused by the pie references, google the lyrics to "A Little Priest" and all will become clear. And even if you aren't confused, I highly suggest looking them up anyway, because they are HILARIOUS.**

**And yes, I have edited this just a **_**teensy**_** bit (thanks especially to OMG it's WickedJelly) but I think it's a better fic for it. Now, on to more important things:**

**Alms, Alms for a pitif- prettyful young author woman! Review! Push the button!**


End file.
